I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
There are leaves in my underwear?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
