the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
