You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
