Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
