i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
too bad you live with your parents still
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
