It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
