Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
