when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
