guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
