The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
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