So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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