I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Randomize
