i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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