last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
