Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Randomize
