I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
