I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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