...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
People in love make me want to vomit
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
