I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
