She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
