I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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