I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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