No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
