I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
The beer is more important than you right now.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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