She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
