when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
