Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
