There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
