The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
