Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
