ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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