Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
