Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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