piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
