birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
