I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
