youre lurking in front of me
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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