So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
