The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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