you turned your livingroom into a bong?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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