he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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