They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
