I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
