Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
