I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
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