Someone shit on the floor
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
