people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
