do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
So much Jack, so little girl.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Randomize
