My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
