allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
