i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
